A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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