I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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