can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize