Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
