I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
