omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
