we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
