careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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