I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
