I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize