apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
