my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
