Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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