I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
