He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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