I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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