Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
