I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
