I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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