I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
