so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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