The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
