Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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