I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
