I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
