my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
