there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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