i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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