my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize