you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
