Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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