Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
