girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
