did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
