Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
