I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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