I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
