Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
