It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
