life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
