Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
