I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
