My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i wish my penis had a tongue
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
