I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Randomize
