birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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