Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
