your parents love me but you hate me
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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