I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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