I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Randomize
