i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm getting married
To pizza
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
