you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
