the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
