Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
