I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
