its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize